The most significant relationship in our life is the one we have with our parents/primary caregivers. According to attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, they are our attachment figures who influence our development and behavior later in life.
Children whose emotional and physical needs have been acknowledged, responded to and met by their attachment figures, tend to form secure attachment patterns which then carry on through adulthood.
On the other hand, children whose parents weren’t attuned to them, whose needs weren’t attended to, and who didn’t get emotional nurturing, tend to have an insecure attachment style that leads to difficulty in relating with themselves and others. Many of us fall into this latter category.
Some signs of insecure attachment may include:
- We don’t ask for help and pride ourselves on our independence
- We put the needs of other adults ahead of our own needs
- We don’t know what we want and say or do things to please others or to fit in
- Lack of clear boundaries - not being able to say no to others or yes to ourselves or very rigid boundaries and black-and-white thinking
- Insecure and anxious in our relationships; fear of abandonment
- Inability to let go of people or possessions
- Perfectionism or procrastination
- Negative self-talk and harsh inner criticism
- Avoidance of conflict or rebellious and prone to conflict
- Distrust of self and/or others
If you can relate to a few of these, chances are that you didn’t experience secure attachment and have a wounded inner child who is still seeking what she didn’t get as a child.
As adults, we can’t go back to our childhood and relive it in a different way (we wish we could!). However, we can learn to give our wounded inner child the love and security we crave by reparenting ourselves.
With the right support and practices, we can heal our wounded inner child and change even those patterns and behaviors that are deeply ingrained.
According to Dr. Daniel Siegel, clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA School of Medicine, executive director of the Mindsight Institute, and an attachment expert, four core concepts help children form a secure attachment.
While these concepts relate to children, I believe that those of us who didn’t experience secure attachment can apply these concepts to reparent ourselves (with the help of a trauma-trained practitioner.)
Dr. Siegel classified these concepts as 4 Ss and they are as follows:
- Safe - perhaps, the most primal need for survival, children need to be and feel safe and protected from threats that can hurt them emotionally or physically.
- Seen – refers to being acknowledged not just for what they are achieving but for who they are, validating their inner experiences and emotions. When children are seen, they are more connected to their needs and are comfortable being vulnerable and authentic.
- Soothed – emotionally comforting children and helping them deal with difficult situations leading to emotionally intelligent children.
- Secure – when a child has experienced the above, she will feel secure, emotionally resilient, and capable of moving through challenging times. They trust themselves and can maintain openness, empathy, and trustworthiness with others.
So, how could we use these concepts to reparent ourselves?
- Safety - the first step in any change is self-awareness. We begin by becoming aware of how the lack of safety we experienced as children, shows up in our life as an adult. We notice our thoughts, physical sensations that arise, images, and emotions that viscerally feel unsafe so that we can attend to what feels unsafe. We learn to attune ourselves to begin the process of recognizing whether the lack of safety is triggered by current or past experiences. There are self-awareness practices that help us attune to ourselves along with practices to embody safety - mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, socially, relationally, etc.
- Seen - to be seen is to be acknowledged and this requires the presence of another to hold space for us in safety so that we allow our emotions and inner experience to surface and be witnessed. When we are in the throes of our emotions or acting in our patterns, we can’t see ourselves. In time, as we reparent ourselves, we learn to see ourselves so that we can validate our own emotions and inner experiences. However, since our patterns can creep up insidiously, having support from a coach who is holding this intention with you, will keep you moving along.
- Soothed - self-soothing is learned from adults who soothed us as children. In the absence of that, often what we consider soothing to ourselves are coping strategies. We might soothe ourselves via food, alcohol/drugs, sex, social media, shopping, etc. True self-soothing is founded in self-compassion and self-acceptance and embedded in self-care and self-nurturance. These are practices that often have to be learned as part of reparenting ourselves.
- Secure - as we develop the previous three Ss, we begin to feel more and more secure in ourselves. We learn to trust ourselves, feel enough as we are, be loving towards ourselves, and be worthy of all that life has to offer - love, prosperity, purposeful living, self-expression, health and vitality, fun, and playfulness. We embody resilience and life becomes the laboratory to explore and experience ourselves in new, creative, and evolutionary ways.
Reparenting begins with a commitment to self-responsibility and results in integrative transformation with a connection to our true Self, which is whole, complete, powerful, and limitless!
If you didn’t grow up with secure attachment and would like to develop one with yourself by reparenting yourself, schedule a complimentary session with me to learn how I can support you.
