On a recent visit to Vietnam, I purchased a lacquered image I was drawn to because it depicted a woman whose face was etched half black and half white. It reminded me that we all have that side of ourselves that we like to show the world and a “dark side” that we hide from others.
What is the dark side?
Psychologist Carl Jung coined the term “the shadow self” to describe parts of ourselves - personality traits, emotions, or thoughts, that we often don’t want to acknowledge. These can be positive or negative qualities, but only those which are positive are expressed as the “persona,” while those that are subconsciously considered undesirable are psychologically repressed. Even positive traits invalidated or believed to be unsafe to exhibit when we were young could be held in the shadow.
What happens to these parts?
According to Internal Family Systems (IFS), a modality developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, these repressed parts are exiled, banishing them from our conscious mind. Often the youngest and most vulnerable parts, these exiles are disowned or rejected because they were too painful, uncomfortable, or unacceptable, often judged as negative or shameful. However, despite being exiled, they still have a powerful influence on our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, especially since exiles have protective parts that defend the exiles. Protective parts show up as managers or firefighters with the role of protecting the exiles from future hurts. They help us cope with difficult emotions, situations, or relationships.
Managers are protective parts of ourselves that attempt to keep us safe by planning, organizing, or controlling the environment. They are often our most critical or judgmental inner voices and may use strategies such as avoidance, distraction, or self-sabotage to maintain control. Some ways managers show up include approval seekers, victims, pessimists, and caregivers. They carry immense responsibilities and make many sacrifices to protect the exiles.
Firefighters are protective parts that react when we are in danger. Despite the hard work managers put into protecting us, there are times when they cannot control our relationships and the world. At times like these, firefighters go into action. They can be impulsive, addictive, or self-destructive in managing distress. They want to remove us from what we are feeling no matter what it takes.
The role of the protectors
Do you sometimes feel hurt, unworthy, ashamed, lonely, or fearful? What is your first impulse as these feelings begin to arise? What do you do to calm yourself? At first, our managers might try something socially acceptable, like binging on TV, food, exercise, shopping, or other activities that distract us. However, if that doesn’t work out, firefighters will take more drastic measures like drugs, alcohol, compulsive behaviors, or self-harm. Firefighters can also trigger pain, confusion, dizziness, or numbness in some people.
While it is easy to think of protective parts as “bad,” they are playing a protective role in favor of our survival. Without them to control or react when we experience intense emotions, our system would be too overwhelmed to function. Recognizing this is a crucial step in healing as it makes room for self-compassion, which is needed in our healing journey.
You are not your parts
Perhaps, the greatest gift you can give yourself as you start your healing journey is to recognize that you are not your parts - good or bad! You - your true Self, the essence of who you really are is so much bigger than the parts!
When we can see our “dark side” as a part of us and not who we really are, they don’t have as much of a hold on us because we don’t have to put energy into denying their existence.
Making the unconscious, conscious
Since our exiled shadow parts are tender and carry past wounds, they must be approached with gentleness and care. When we work with our parts compassionately, we can start to heal the wounds that created them and integrate their wisdom and strengths into our lives.
Befriending our "dark side" begins with acknowledging that we all have them and committing to embrace them because doing so will return us to the wholeness of our true Self.
