What are the things to keep in mind while preparing for divorce?
While life with a partner starts with wedding bells surrounded by people you love, the end of that life is silent and mostly alone.
Divorce isn’t a subject people like to talk about. Those who haven’t been divorced generally have no clue what you are going through and sometimes treat your divorce as if it is contagious.
Those who have been divorced may be more interested in telling their own story than in hearing yours. Even the professionals you retain work only in their area of specialty. There is really no one watching over you and no real assistance in preparing for divorce if you are contemplating divorce or have started on that process.
What you don’t know, you can’t plan for, and yet planning is even more critical during divorce than it was for the wedding. Here are some things that you must know that will help you prepare for divorce:
1. Divorce is usually harder than you think it is going to be
I don’t say this to scare you. It is simply the reality of divorce. If you are contemplating divorce, you understand that this process is going to be difficult. It is going to be painful and it is going to challenge you. However, it isn’t until you go through it that you feel the full force of what you have taken on. While there are divorces that are amicable, that is not the norm – especially when children are involved and when the stakes are high in terms of income and assets.
(To assess the level of challenge you will face in your divorce, take my FREE Self-Assessment Quiz by clicking here.
I want you to be as prepared as possible for what lies ahead. The more information you have about divorce, the more prepared you are, the less the detrimental effects of divorce. Preparing for divorce is extremely important; with preparation will come the belief in your ability to cope with the process.
As you navigate this difficult terrain, remember the words of A.A Milne, spoken by Winnie the Pooh’s friend, Christopher Robin: “You’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
2. All aspects of your life will be affected by your divorce to some degree
You might know that divorce will significantly impact your finances, your emotional well-being and your children. However, these aren’t the only areas that will be strained. The life you created with your partner spans everything that you did together – and you will experience a change in all of them.
You may lose friends. Your family may not support you. You may not be able to perform as well at work, you may need to change your home and/or the area you live in, and the high stress levels may show up in your health. It is my hope that your divorce has the least stress as possible. However, knowing ahead of time that these issues can crop up keeps you from being blind-sided by them if they were to show up.
Preparing for divorce entails putting together a good team of professionals who can help you devise a strategy that will guide you through the process as well as the recovery afterwards. Trying to go through divorce by yourself is like trying to do surgery on yourself! You are the patient who needs an expert support system.
Don’t rely on the advice of your friends either. They aren’t trained for this, and even if they have been through a divorce, no two circumstances are the same. You need help figuring out your plan based on your unique situation as it relates to all the aspects of your life.
3. The research on the impact of divorce on children that you should know about
If there is one topic that has had a lot written about it, it is the impact of divorce on children! This is also the area that leads to the most guilt in parents. Worrying about the impact of divorce on their children exacerbates the stress of divorce.
Dr. Tamara Affifi is a professor at UCSB whose research primarily focuses on parent-child issues, especially as it pertains to the sense of loss, uncertainty, and stress that accompanies divorce. In a TED talk, Dr. Affifi shares results from her research that will surprise most people: “There is one variable that determines more than any other how well children function after divorce and that’s parents’ conflict…In fact children whose parents have a lot of conflict and who stay married, those are the children that actually have the most difficulty psychologically and the most difficulty in establishing satisfying relationships later in life; not the children whose parents got divorced.”
If you have children, you must know what you can and cannot say or do during divorce if you are trying to minimize the negative effects of divorce on them. This doesn’t come naturally when you are yourself in significant pain and your life is in a state of chaos. Seek the help of a trained professional to ensure that your parenting mitigates the impact of divorce on your children.
4. You are responsible for the outcome of your divorce
Whether you are contemplating divorce or in the process of getting one, you are bombarded with information and advice. Everyone has their own take on it, including the experts. Yet no one other than you knows what is right for you. This is the end of your marriage that we are talking about and no one knows or understands that better than you. It is imperative that you figure out the outcome you want from your divorce in every aspect of your life and then work on preparing for divorce so that you can get it.
This doesn’t mean that you can walk this journey alone; in fact quite the opposite is true. You do NEED experts but in the capacity of consultants, collaborators, and representatives who work on your behalf. You are ultimately responsible for your future life since you are the one who will be living it!
It is your responsibility to get information about the process, your legal rights, best practices, and the options available to you. You use this information to discern what you want and the strategy you want to follow to get it. This may not be easy to do at a time when you are being pulled in different directions. Working with a divorce mentor and coach to achieve this will not only help you come up with a plan but also keep you aligned with your values.
5. In every loss there is a gain – and this is also true of divorce
Divorce is commonly understood as a dissolution of marriage and dissolution implies the end of something. However, as the proverb states, “in every end is a new beginning.” The same is true of divorce. There is no doubt that you will have to contend with many losses. However, once you have been through the grieving process, you will find many opportunities – opportunities to redefine yourself, to experience new things, and to do things you might never have done before.
Divorce provides an opportunity to do your life over based on who you are today and what you now want out of life. Don’t be in a rush to recreate the life you had by jumping into a new relationship; create the relationship with yourself first. Then, when you create new bonds, they will be much stronger and hopefully much more permanent!
If you have made the choice to get divorced, it is a necessary ending that you must endure. However, once the dust settles, you can build a new life out of the wisdom that you gleaned from it and begin a new story in which you get to choose the role your character plays.
